"God knew what he was doing when he created my son and he is priceless."
By Tricia Allen
Live Action News
Everything changed in a moment when he grabbed me by the back of my neck and pushed me onto the bed on my stomach. He never let go of the back of my neck and I was afraid. I was so afraid. This tiny voice inside me like a whisper was saying “stop, please, please stop.” But no one could hear because it was such a tiny whisper.
I have to say I don’t even remember how he got my clothes off. It is a blur. I only remember his hand on the back of my neck. And I remember fear. I remember pain. And I remember the whisper.
Part of me thought I was going to die, but somewhere deep down I knew that I wouldn’t. I couldn’t breathe because my face was pressed so hard into the bed. In many respects, I did die that day. Not physically, but in a way people will never understand. I died inside and it feels like nothing will ever heal it.
When he was done, he just let go and left my apartment. I just lay there and cried. Somehow, I thought that I had done something wrong and that it was my fault. I couldn’t comprehend how a friend would do this to me. He was married, his wife was a court reporter, his father-in-law was a retired police officer. And he knew I had a boyfriend. Knowing his family connections, I quickly thought that if I reported this, nothing would ever come of it. Nevertheless, I did call the police and that’s pretty much what I was told. So I kept silent after that.
READ: For 48 years, Ann kept a photo of her baby, conceived in rape and adopted
About two or three weeks later, I was terrified as I took the pregnancy test in a restaurant bathroom. I already knew in my heart what the result would be, but I wasn’t prepared to see it. Pregnant by rape, I felt so alone. I was poor, I didn’t know what I was going to do, and I felt that my only recourse was that I had call him and tell him. His immediate response was, “Are you sure it’s mine?” I was certain because of the timing and because my boyfriend and I had never had unprotected sex. Conversely, my rapist didn’t hold back at all. Then he asked me how much an abortion was going to cost. I had no idea. And the conversation ended with him telling me, “Let me know.”
I have to say I don’t even remember how he got my clothes off. It is a blur. I only remember his hand on the back of my neck. And I remember fear. I remember pain. And I remember the whisper.
Part of me thought I was going to die, but somewhere deep down I knew that I wouldn’t. I couldn’t breathe because my face was pressed so hard into the bed. In many respects, I did die that day. Not physically, but in a way people will never understand. I died inside and it feels like nothing will ever heal it.
When he was done, he just let go and left my apartment. I just lay there and cried. Somehow, I thought that I had done something wrong and that it was my fault. I couldn’t comprehend how a friend would do this to me. He was married, his wife was a court reporter, his father-in-law was a retired police officer. And he knew I had a boyfriend. Knowing his family connections, I quickly thought that if I reported this, nothing would ever come of it. Nevertheless, I did call the police and that’s pretty much what I was told. So I kept silent after that.
READ: For 48 years, Ann kept a photo of her baby, conceived in rape and adopted
About two or three weeks later, I was terrified as I took the pregnancy test in a restaurant bathroom. I already knew in my heart what the result would be, but I wasn’t prepared to see it. Pregnant by rape, I felt so alone. I was poor, I didn’t know what I was going to do, and I felt that my only recourse was that I had call him and tell him. His immediate response was, “Are you sure it’s mine?” I was certain because of the timing and because my boyfriend and I had never had unprotected sex. Conversely, my rapist didn’t hold back at all. Then he asked me how much an abortion was going to cost. I had no idea. And the conversation ended with him telling me, “Let me know.”
Tricia became pregnant from rape and calls her son amazing. Photo courtesy of Tricia Allen.In my mind, I wasn’t going to have my child, but my soul kept telling me not having my child was wrong. I never called the abortion clinic. And I quickly made the decision that I was not aborting my child. For the next several months, I lived alone with this secret of my pregnancy. But I had a small frame, and my boyfriend began to notice. He assumed I had cheated on him, and I still could not verbalize what had been done to me, so I let him think that, and our relationship ended.
At the same time, my family saw my growing belly, and I lived with everyone assuming I’d cheated on my boyfriend with a married man. I could deal with that shame better than dealing with the shame I had from the rape.
Even though I lost my boyfriend, several of my special friends, and the respect of my family, there was still no question in my mind that the matter was simple — I’m pregnant and I’m having a baby. And that was that.
The day my son was born, the nurses placed him in my arms, and he latched on and nursed right away. I gazed at him and my son was just perfect. I didn’t give one thought to the man who raped me. My son was mine and mine alone. And it turned out that my dearest child was the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. He has beautiful green eyes and adorable red hair.
Even though I lost my boyfriend, several of my special friends, and the respect of my family, there was still no question in my mind that the matter was simple — I’m pregnant and I’m having a baby. And that was that.
The day my son was born, the nurses placed him in my arms, and he latched on and nursed right away. I gazed at him and my son was just perfect. I didn’t give one thought to the man who raped me. My son was mine and mine alone. And it turned out that my dearest child was the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. He has beautiful green eyes and adorable red hair.
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Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call the Community Women's Center at 215-826-8090
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available. Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.
Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call the Community Women's Center at 215-826-8090
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available. Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.
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