"No baby has ever given a mama as much joy as he has brought into my life."
Life News
During my pregnancy, I read stories of other women who had become pregnant by rape, sometimes twice daily. Those stories were a source of hope and made me feel like I wasn’t alone and reaffirmed that it was normal to love my child. I’m writing my story now in the hope that other woman will know that they are not alone, but I also feel that I owe it to my son to advocate for babies like him.
Six years ago, through some friends who worked there, I took a volunteer position with Planned Parenthood as an outreach HIV tester and counselor, so I was out in the community and really never spent time at the clinic, except for the certification training. Being in the abortion clinic made me uncomfortable to know that in another room down the hallway there is a baby dying. I took the position because I wanted to help people know their status with HIV.
At that point in time, I described myself as “personally pro-life, but politically pro-choice.” I never would have encouraged someone to have an abortion, but I realize now that my silence on the issue of life had a real-life impact. One day, when speaking to a rape victim who came to me for an HIV test and thought she might be pregnant, I was silent.
Years later, I knew I had been complicit in whatever occurred later when she followed up with clinic staff. I used to think of her occasionally. I knew what it was like to be raped because I had become a victim at the age of 16. But I didn’t know what it was like — as I used to think — to “carry a rapist around inside of you.”
Back then, even as someone who was “personally pro-life,” I thought it must be awful to be in such a position: choose yourself and your sanity, or this child created in horror. I would think, “How could anyone decide what to do there?” In my mind, I certainly could understand someone making an appointment for an abortion. The memory of that woman grieves me now, as I can see my own foolishness clearly.
This mind-clearing began in the summer of 2016 when I, as a single woman, unexpectedly got pregnant. This reel of unfortunate events began with a guy and a stupid decision and ended with a miscarriage and heartbreak. Few people in my life know about the baby I lost. I hid her away in my heart and tried to move on with my life, knowing that she was never meant to be. After all, I have a diagnosed infertility problem. Pregnancy was something I was supposed to work for and earn with years of doctors visits and prayer – in my mind anyway.
Back then, even as someone who was “personally pro-life,” I thought it must be awful to be in such a position: choose yourself and your sanity, or this child created in horror. I would think, “How could anyone decide what to do there?” In my mind, I certainly could understand someone making an appointment for an abortion. The memory of that woman grieves me now, as I can see my own foolishness clearly.
This mind-clearing began in the summer of 2016 when I, as a single woman, unexpectedly got pregnant. This reel of unfortunate events began with a guy and a stupid decision and ended with a miscarriage and heartbreak. Few people in my life know about the baby I lost. I hid her away in my heart and tried to move on with my life, knowing that she was never meant to be. After all, I have a diagnosed infertility problem. Pregnancy was something I was supposed to work for and earn with years of doctors visits and prayer – in my mind anyway.
Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call the Community Women's Center at 215-826-8090
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available. Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.
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