What right did I have to make the decision to end another person’s life? I had talked to women that had – and they had such heartbreaking stories to tell.
By Caterina J
Live Action News
I was just a few weeks shy of my 20th birthday when I found out I was pregnant.
“Congratulations! I am so excited for you!” my sister quietly said, tears in her eyes. I leaned against the wall of the CVS bathroom and took a shuddering breath, looking at those two telltale pink lines on the pregnancy test, trying to convince myself it was a dream or some kind of hallucination. The room seemed to spin around me, and I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me. Excited??? No, I didn’t feel my sister’s excitement. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone,” I begged.
Like most 19 year olds, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant. Maybe someday in the future… when I’m financially independent, married, and have already had my fun and travelled the world – then I can think about it. But right now? Hell no.
READ: An unplanned pregnancy changed this drug-addicted mom’s life for the better
2017 was supposed to be the year I got my sh*t together. 2016 had been too crazy. I had attempted suicide, dropped out of college, moved across the country for treatment for 7 months, and finally conquered an eating disorder that had ravaged my life since my early teens. 2017 seemed off to a great start – I was happy and healthy for the first time, and planning on going back to college. I had a new job, a new boyfriend, and things were finally getting on track.
But now this? a baby? What was I supposed to do with a baby?
Friends and family members all reacted differently.
“What are you going to do?”
“That’s amazing. You are a badass.”
“That’s a huge responsibility.”
“Whatever you decide to do – I support you.”
“If I were you, I wouldn’t have the baby.”
It seemed like an impossible situation.
I wasn’t old enough to have a child. I didn’t have a degree. I didn’t have enough money. I didn’t have my own home. I wasn’t married. How dare I bring a child into this world without knowing for sure that I could take care of him? It wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t ready.
Photo via thelifesource.org
Yet I knew I would regret having an abortion. What right did I have to make the decision to end another person’s life? I had talked to women that had – and they had such heartbreaking stories to tell. Stories of regret, of feeling powerless, of being afraid.
I was so afraid.
Much of my life, I had made decisions in fear, and it had gotten me nowhere. Fear of others’ opinions had turned me into an actress, pretending to be someone I was not. Fear of feeling my emotions had caused me to find any excuse to numb myself. Fear of hurting others’ feelings had kept me spiraling in codependent and unhealthy relationships. Fear of life itself had consumed me, and I had spent so much time running from reality.
I had learned over time that decisions made in fear are the decisions we regret.
This time, I had to make a decision out of love. Love for myself and love for the tiny human growing inside me.
Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call the Community Women's Center at 215-826-8090
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available. Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.
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