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A new article at Romper purports to help women who have had abortions break the so-called abortion stigma: by telling their surviving children the stories of their other abortions. The author, Priscilla Blossom, explained that she was already considering how she would, one day, tell her son of her abortion.
“I want him to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that his mother believes in a pregnant person’s right to choose,” she wrote. “I want him to know someone, first-hand, who can talk about abortion, and who doesn’t regret her positive experience. I want him to know that if he should ever know someone who is in need of an abortion or considering one, that I can be a trusted individual and, moreover, a resource. I want him to grow up acknowledging everyone’s bodily autonomy (something we already practice via lessons in consent). And a conversation about my abortion experience will help me facilitate all of these messages and lessons.”
One mom said that the story of her miscarriage gave her children nightmares, making her realize that she couldn’t tell them about her abortion — yet she said she worried that not telling them violated her “work values,” as she works as an abortion activist. Another mom explained that she wrote an “open letter” to her children that was about to be published online, so she let them read it first and admitted that she had an abortion as well. Another said she chose abortion because her marriage was going well.
“I explained (truthfully) that while I still had baby fever after having had her, I got pregnant at a time when her dad and I were doing really well and focusing on our own relationship,” she wrote. “It was not a good time for us to have another child.” READ: Abortion affects sibling survivors: ‘I miss them although I never knew them’
Noticeably absent is any discussion of how news of prior abortions affected the children. And telling children that you’ve aborted their siblings isn’t a great way to destroy stigma, but is, in fact, cruel. It causes them immense pain — as sibling survivors have explained.
One sibling wrote of the pain they felt after learning of their mother’s abortion.
“We let it drop and I forgot about it,” they wrote. “But I had not really forgotten. I didn’t think about it consciously for years.” They continued that years later:Suddenly I found myself thinking about my little brother! I became disoriented and lost control of the car for a moment as I burst into tears having lost him. I was astounded by my reaction, but I couldn’t shake the sadness and longing to have known him.
Other siblings have similar feelings.
She tells me that she speaks to him sometimes, in her mind and in her dreams. She wonders about the life they would have had growing up together. Would they have fought a lot? Would he have counseled her on boy matters? Would he have scolded her for her overzealous high-school drinking?
She believes that in this other world, she is already an aunt. Her brother would have met a girl. Married her. Had babies my friend would babysit and spoil shamelessly.
She feels cheated. She feels lonelier than an only child should feel.
Feelings of survivor’s guilt are not uncommon, according to Dr. Philip Ney, who says that sibling survivors have “lifelong struggles about existing” after learning that their survival is based on arbitrary decisions on whether a child was wanted or not.
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Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call the Community Women's Center at 215-826-8090
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available.
Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.
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