Waking up to another bad dream makes it so hard to go back to sleep. The same dream over and over. I was mid-way through my pregnancy and the nightmares of having you taken from me as soon as I gave birth left me breathless.
No chance to hold you, no chance to kiss your face, no chance to see you. I laid there crying out, “My baby, my baby.”These nightmares would come off and on and I would rise up in the bed in the stillness of the dark night with tears streaming down my face. My shaking hand would rub my growing belly.
Scared and alone are not even close to describing the heartache of the thought of not holding you. The words of “just get rid of it, we can get it done and over with” repeated in my mind. The hurt of those words spoken over me.
I cried out to the Lord, but I felt as if my voice was snuffed out by the darkness in my room.The excuses would cycle in my mind. Maybe I was being punished for this unplanned pregnancy, maybe it was because of the running away from everything I knew growing up, or the partying.
The isolation of all this fear kept me chained. I felt as if I could not get away from all the thoughts. Walking into church as a pregnant 18-year-old left me full of doubt and fear. The whispers and the stares. Then the night would repeat itself.
Night after night, the enemy was winning as I was struggling with the same nightmare of my precious baby being ripped away from me.
Pregnant, need help or know someone who does?
National Hotline: Call 1-800-712-HELP or Text 'HELPLINE' to 313131.
In Southeast Penna: Call or text 610-626-4006
If you or someone you know is suffering after abortion, confidential non-judgmental help is available. Call Project Rachel's national toll-free number 888-456-HOPE (4673) or visit hopeafterabortion.org.